Trashy, Not Classy: A Guide To Living In New Jersey
Turn on any nearby television, and it’s likely you’ll catch the latest craze to hit television – reality shows about New Jersey. The most popular one would be Jersey Shore, a show on MTV that’s all about orange people getting drunk and fighting. Somehow millions of teenagers, and even some adults, have allowed their minds to be brainwashed by this trash television, and now believe it’s the greatest show ever created. Of course anyone from New Jersey can attest to the fact that, yes, this show accurately portrays life in New Jersey. We’re all actually from New York and we are all Italian. You can’t differentiate one of us from the other, as the girls are adorned with long nails and big hair, and the guys are all buff with hair spikes so pointy and coated in hairspray that it’s probably hazardous to get within five feet of them. The one thing we all have in common is the fact that we’re orange. Not naturally, mind you, it takes many visits to the tanning salon to get as orange – excuse me, tan – as we do. If you’re planning on coming to New Jersey and you want to fit in, grab a drink and listen as I instruct you on exactly to be just like the people you see on the tv.
Being a true New Jerseyan doesn’t end with orange skin, not by a long shot. Girls have a strict dress code of dressing trashy and flamboyant everyone they go, and guys are not under any circumstances allowed to put a shirt on. At least 30 minutes should be spent on hair each morning, even if you are only going to get the mail. And never, ever make an attempt to act classy, regardless of the situation. Your boyfriend left you for another girl? You go hunt that girl down and rip out her hair extensions, and make sure to scratch her with your catlike acrylic nails. Your boss fired you? Cause a huge scene in the middle of the workplace, making it a point to use no less than 3 curse words per sentence. Of course, you can only get fired if you actually have a job, which you should. Just as long as you don’t put too much effort into it or make any attempts to show up to work on time, you should be fine. Keep in mind that getting your nails done is a perfectly valid excuse for taking an entire day off from work. If your boss doesn’t respect your need to have nails that resemble daggers, then it’s completely acceptable to quit and violently storm out of the building. It’s not as if you need a job anyway, you get paid $10,000 a week to party with a camera following you.
Once you’ve caused a huge scene which resulted in you losing your job, you’ll realize that you need something to fill your time. This isn’t a problem, as New Jersey has a spectacular nightlife. In any seaside town you can find a club with hundreds of people who look just like you, all wasted and attempting to dance in a sexy fashion. Most of these attempt to dance sexily fail miserably and end up making you look like a dunce, but that’s not important because you’ll probably be too drunk to even remember it. Once you get tired of one club, you can just go to another one which might have slightly different music and a wider variety of drinks. It’s not like you really have anything better to do with your life. If you still happen to have a job after throwing a fit, and you have to work in the morning, don’t worry about it. Calling in sick because you’re suffering from a hangover is also a perfectly legitimate excuse. When you finally decide to retire for the night, which keep in mind should be no earlier than 4AM, there’s a simple way to determine how good of a night you’ve had. If you’ve lost any article of clothing, you get one point. This includes shoes. You get one point for throwing up and two if you actually pass out from alcohol consumption. Three points are awarded if you manage to get into a fight at the club, bonus points if you rip out their hair extensions or break their nails. If you wake up next to someone you have never seen before in your life, you get extra credit! The more points you accumulate, the better your night went. It’s simple, really.
Once you’ve been in New Jersey awhile and have gotten a few good weeks of partying in, tally up your score. If you’ve gotten 50 or more, it might even be possible for you to star in a reality show! These shows are completely real and accurate and absolutely nothing about them is made up or staged. Living in New Jersey is easy as long as you follow all the basic rules. Never dress too nicely, always make sure to be showy and over the top. If you aren’t coughing when you style your hair in the morning, you probably aren’t using enough hairspray. Oh, and be sure that your hair stands up at least two inches from your head and won’t even move in a tornado. Never make any real effort at your job, but spend hours getting ready for the club. And keep in mind that it’s always better to cause a scene than to act like a civilized human being. Always remember, ‘trashy, not classy!’. If two or more of these characteristics apply to you, you may already be a true New Jerseyan. Congratulations, America hates you!
